Becoming The Unseen: How To Survive The Impossible
People these days are so lazy. They seem to think that all you have to do to become a Ninja is put on a Ninja suit and chuck a few stars at a tree and you’re in. Just like that!
Well, I’ll tell you one thing for sure, those are the kind of Ninja showing up in Hollywood movies, but they’re the ones dying such pitiful deaths!
Becoming the Unseen is beyond explanation. Training? Training implies a beginning and an end. Once you finish you’re done, but that’s just not the case. Becoming the Unseen is a way of life, not some sort of weekend holiday where Ninja go to test their skills of survival and stealth where only the best survive. Hah! Again, look how Hollywood has manipulated our minds into thinking such fanciful thoughts!
True training involves being put up against impossible odds and surviving to kill another day. Some Ninja are forced to wear white and try their skills of stealth in spite of their high visibility. Fortunately, some of the bad evil nasty ninjas also have to wear bright colors like red. Lucky they’re just about blind due to a poor wrap of cloth around their eyes or this White Ninja would be dead with a star to the head! It’s also possible the tree he’s hiding behind is a little thicker than meets the eyes, again, NInja master everything including the thickness of tree branches, who can stand in their path?
Meditation is another key. Rehearsal, rehearsal, rehearsal. Basketball or Piano lessons are the same way. You only get good by rehearsing over and over and over what you will do. That’s how it is ALL the time for Ninja. While they’re eating their steak and eggs or Wheaties, they may look like they’re enjoying the newspaper or the game on tv, but that’s only a small reminder of their trickery! They are in fact remembering, rehearsing, and re-rehearsing, then re-rehearsing the re-rehearsal. They never stop rehearsing.
If he stabs me here, I’ll stab him there. If 8′ are between me and another Ninja and the sun is at midday, with a slight wind from the south, plus I’m 6′3” and my opponent is short, stocky, and quite fat at 5′4”, I should cross left by right with a circular pattern heading in a South by South East direction in order to creep up my evil foe, throw a pebble at his foot, make him turn around to discover his eyes are in the sun before that’s the last thing he sees as he tastes the vengeance of the Master Ninja! All you might see as you watch him from a distance is a slight grin as he finishes his Wheaties and finishes his imagined foe.
Sometimes during meditation, real Ninja show up because they think that during your meditation you might be more vulnerable, but oh do those stupid Ninjas not know a thing or two about meditation. Ninja are at their most heightened preparedness, sensing all that is and isn’t, plus knowing when to strike, when to hide, and when to release a slight bit of built up gas due to the cheeseburger they stole from a vendor in the park during their training…even this release can be used to distract, to incapacitate, and possibly even poison if it was a bad enough burger and if the Ninja has wisely been storing up his gaseous chemical poisons in his body to release upon the enemy during just such a surprise encounter.
Training also involves very difficult processes, the ability to withstand enormous pressure, terrible weather, waterlogged Ninja stockings, slicing of watermelon ninja dummies, and always, always blindfolds…it makes me wonder how on earth do these agents of death even bother with mankind!
Who can imagine how cold it must be in this waterfall, and yet the Master Ninja is calm, at peace with his surroundings, even doing really cool signs with his hands in utter abandon to the way of the Unseen (though seen in this picture).
Veggies and fruits have rights too! I am appalled at the lack of concern for fruit and vegetables that these Ninja seem to show. Sure, they kill off humans with surprising speed and efficiency, but watermelon! C’mon, isn’t that a bit low? I wonder what kind of pain this fruit is experiencing, the slow death of an arrow to the eye…er melon. This dummy got shot right in the melon I tell you! Just think if that was a human. This fellow wouldn’t make it too long with an arrow in his eye, this Ninja master has truly sharpened his skills of archery and carving fruit to look like human beings…truly we must fear these agents of fruit death.
Probably the most harrowing of all training involves jumping into a pit full of spikes and hoping against all hope that your symbol of masculinity survives. This Ninja was nearly skewered like a kabob!
I hope I’ve given you a small picture of the dangers, pitfalls, and utter grotesque conditions that Ninja must endure to become and then be the Unseen. So, the next time you think how fun it would be to wear a Ninja outfit to work or to the local mall, you may want to consider who you represent, do you really want to minimize the sacrifice, hard work, and utter depraved testing that true Ninja that you know nothing about have to go through? Well, I hope you think twice. Besides, you’d only be doing the real Ninja a favor by convincing the public of a Ninja’s complete incompetence and inability to be the Unseen while the true Ninja continue their legacy of death and mayhem.
BTW, those hikers on Mt. Ranier, yeah, you can keep believing they got lost during a blizzard. But I know. That’s the one time a white Ninja outfit would come in handy up there. Blizzard. That’s exactly what they want you to think…the Unseen are Blizzard.
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