Ninjas In Bear Suits Again!

In the news two days ago was an unlikely story of a bear busting a pot farm in Utah.  Now to untrained eyes, this would seem to be a highly unusual event, but not impossible for such a thing to occur–a bear busting a pot farm and chasing the criminals away.

However, with a more focused and highly disciplined insightful investigation into the evidence left behind and the chain of events that has transpired, it is a highly suspicious tale that reeks of Ninja!

Most people would assume that if you read it in the news, if you click on a news article and the article appears that’s where discernment ends and spongelike behavior begins.  However, this is awfully negligent behavior for those who are wary of the evil, sneaky, dark arts of the Ninja who are everywhere and nowhere.

And so, reading such articles like a bear busting a pot farm calls into question immediately the truthfulness of the article and further inquiry is of life-saving necessity!

We will go play by play through the events as they unfolded and look for the evidence necessary to prove that Ninja were behind this and once exposed they will be further pushed back into the shadows, fearful of further discovery through the use of furry bear suit costumes–hopefully that is.

According to the news, the bear chased the pot grower in Utah away from his operation.  First and foremost we must ask intention?  Was this bear hired by someone?  Or was he acting on his own?  If he was hired, one must not think too far back to such movies like Enter the Ninja where evil landowners hired Sho Kosugi to wreak havoc against the White Ninja who also just happened to be White (Caucasian).  So, could it be possible that there is another pot growing family in the back hills of Utah who were jealous enough to hire an evil Ninja to do their dirty work and scare away their competition?  It would really be an interesting correlation if in fact the pot grower himself was White and actually a White Ninja as well.  But we must not get too carried away with ourselves although the thought of this would be so phenomenal…

If I were a Ninja (this isn’t an admission that I’m not, nor is it an admission that I am), I would definitely consider the disguise of a bear (until now that is with the increase in exposure).  Why not?  The sight of a bear creates panic, fear, thoughts of becoming some furry wild animal’s mid-morning meal, etc.  What better disguise to mask the fact that an evil, sinister human shadow is behind this maniacal act when one simply can don a bear suit and both maintain invisibility while being visible and in their visibility instill a high quotient of irrational fear that would send any grown man wailing in fright away from his precious pot plants.

Secondly, if this ninja wildabeast is working on his own, well, we all know that Ninja are masters of all things related to hallucinogenic drugs, not for themselves of course (well…hopefully not for themselves if they are a trained master), but rather to instill even greater fear by causing some unsuspecting victim to smoke what they think is a cigarette, hooka pipe, or something like this, and instead be smoking some of the most strong pot known to man–leading of course to maniacal visions and scary apparitions of shadowy figures prancing about with daggers and blades threatening complete destruction–which of course would be true for any real ninja, however, it would increase the level of scariness to an all new unthinkable level of fright and utter portent.

Needless to say, whatever his motives, let’s look at the evidence left behind.

Food cans were strewn everywhere–evidence of the munchies?  Could our Ninja have been a pot user as well?

The cans also had bear teeth marks in them…how could a Ninja have counterfeited these cans with real bear teeth marks so as to fool the local law enforcement?  It is widely known throughout Ninja and Ninja-spotter circles that Ninja carry within their repertoire of weaponry, bear teeth just in case they need to bite someone without leaving their own teeth marks within their victim thus making themselves visible to growing public suspicions.

So the bear teeth tell us little beyond just how clever and monstrous these agents of fur and darkness will go to cloak their evil deeds and make quick work of their unsuspecting victims.

Lastly there were bear paw prints throughout the camp.  Again, Ninja have been trained in the art of fake footprints so as to throw off course a pursuing enemy.  So, there again, it is inconclusive if indeed these were real bear prints or if some wise assasin of extreme rigor of training hid his existence upon the earth and masked his true presence in the form of bear claws.  Now, lastly, mind you there is no mention at all to bear poop.

Wouldn’t a real bear be unashamed of marking his territory?  Wouldn’t he have no problem taking a squat and dropping a ripe-old prize onto his newly claimed territory?  I think not!  Therefore, it is highly suspicious that not a drop of poop is mentioned in the report.

Could it be that this Ninja in a bear suit neglected one of the fundamentals of disguising oneself as a furry creature of the forest–always leave behind animal poop!  Even if it’s your own poop that is then molded and shaped into the animal shape of the disguise in use (reminding the reader that Ninja have within their sinister designs and technology the use of a modified play dough machine that actually that take their own poop and turn it into one of about 300 various forest creatures (squirrel droppings are still in the makings, however the suits are of such small size that only the smallest of Ninja assasins even need such technology).

That is all I have to say today, but my hope is that if you go out into the woods, take care if you see a bear.  He may actually be a Ninja in a bear suit!  If you’re growing pot, you’d better make sure that’s a real bear running you off of your property and not an assasin hired by your local competition.  And for any law enforcement reading this, you should check for bear poop next time and then take some into the lab for further analysis to see if it is indeed bear poop or not–but only the smartest of Ninjas would actually eat the same berries that bears do so that even their poop would be of the same forest variety as that of their disguise.  So take extra special care in approaching even the poop of these forest creatures for who knows what may be lurking in the shadows ready to strike and fade into unknown.

The Digital Ninja Finder

I was using my own Digital Ninja Finder the other day and realized I really didn’t want to know the truth…it was almost too startling to retell.  Let’s just say there were more Ninja than Non-Ninja when I turned the machine on.  Luckily I turned it off just as quickly and got out of there immediately, a few more seconds and the Ninja would have known that I knew and that would have been the last.

This machine actually picks up various low level energy emanations that are found solely among Ninja.  Energy levels that in most human beings are non-existent such as a high density energy quotient typically for the criminally insane who are consumed with anger and vengeance, also found among Ninja are low level gas emissions typically due to bowel immobility and constipation, there are also high frequency brain waves that usually denote deception and trickery which like a lie detector test, this machine is able to detect.

This Ninja Finder also is able to pick up light and color frequencies so that it even knows which color uniform the Ninja is wearing.  Secondly, there is also a chemical readout based on the use of colored dye.  No Ninja, no matter how smart and wise they may be is able to stop these low level readouts from being discovered.  The only Ninja able to outsmart this device is one who is wearing a carnie outfit, shark or bear disguise, or who just so happens to not be wearing anything at all, but I believe that would draw some unwanted attention so doubt he would stoop to such embarrassing and detectable tactics, although if he was in a nudist colony targeting some unsuspecting nudist, well, then this device would be rendered inoperable.

One word of warning, use this machine at your own risk.  Once you see the unseen, they will know they’ve been seen and will want to preserve their unseeness, meaning that you who have seen they will need to stop, including a star to the head or a poison dart to your throat.  So, use this machine with extreme guise and caution, knowing that the truth will indeed be too startling to bear.  Your co-worker, the next door neighbor, the carnie at the local carnival, the local boyscout troop, or perhaps even the grizzly bear you stumbled upon while camping out in the forest.

Lastly, all who have used this machine for any length have time have disappeared so we’re still unable to verify if the machine really works, but another way of putting it is, you know the machine works if everyone who has used it has mysteriously vanished into thin air.  Maybe you’ll be next!

New Jersey Ninja Sighting

Something big is happening and it’s taking place all over the nation. Yet again a Ninja has been sighted, but this time it was in the news. And lo and behold, just as I reported, he was seen in a forested area. Too bad he hadn’t considered a bear suit, that might have made things more interesting. However, the news had to give a cover story that the Ninja sighted in the woods was some camp counselor dressing up as a Ninja for a costume party. I guess this guy didn’t read my post’s warnings about dressing up as a Ninja…“Becoming the Unseen”

Secondly, if I was a real Ninja (hypothetical), wouldn’t it be a great cover story to say I was going to a costume party? Thanks to this loaf in the story, he gives real Ninja the perfect cover…oh, well I’m just going to a costume party. Hey, it would be a smart thing to have a plastic sword while the real swords are stashed away somewhere closer to the objective…makes sense right? Fool the public by being seen, but really the Ninja is unseen in his seeness, you get me right? So, the main issue here is, if there is an increase in sightings where people are being seen running into the forest in Ninja suits with swords, but then later it is surmised that they were going to a costume party, plus had a plastic sword, you can bet that this is not what it at first seems. Ninja are in our midst, crafty, and wise. Luring the gullible public into a fall sense of security via costume parties and plastic swords, while all the while unsuspecting victims are picked off mercilessly and poor forest creatures in forested environments and poor sea life in ocean environments get blamed for disappearances and death.

The most important part of this lesson is that there was a lockdown for five schools because of this Ninja sighting. Someone finally is taking this website and the dangers of Ninja seriously. I would like to hereby declare a moment of silence in honor of the librarian who called in the Ninja in the forest. She deserves a reward! I’ll bet she has been practicing Ninja spotting on this website and as can be shown, it paid off! Way to go! Ninja spotters really do go unrecognized in the world today, too much focus is given to the sneaky Ninjas and not enough to those who uncover their villainry!

Luckily for the public’s sake, Beware of Ninja, will not back down, will not give up the fight, we will continue to expose these agents of mayhem and all things stealth for as long as seemingly possible and necessary whichever comes first.

“Ninja” Sighting Locks Down Barnegat Schools

June 25, 2008

Matt Pais

BARNEGAT — A report of a ninja sighting in the woods near the Robert L. Horbelt elementary School prompted a brief lockdown of the township’s public schools before
authorities realized the suspect in question was actually a camp counselor heading toward a costume party.

Shortly after 9 a.m., police received a call from a librarian at the local Ocean
County Library branch on Burr Street reporting that a man dressed as a ninja, carrying a large sword, was running through the woods, Lt. Patrick Shaffery said. Police than initiated a lock-down of the five schools as a precaution, police said.

The lock-down — which restricts movement in and out of school buildings — was lifted by 9:30 a.m. after police learned the man in question was actually a camp counselor on his way to a costume-themed day at the Russell O. Brackman Middle School. The counselor, who was wearing a black karate gi and carrying a plastic sword, was running late and decided to take a short cut through the woods, Shaffery said.

More Ninja Sightings

Signs are going up everywhere. People are more on the alert. Denali, Alaska, need I say more? It should be Denial, Alaska!

Yes, the hikers didn’t mention anything about Ninjas, but why exactly were they wandering around for so long? Was it just a case of getting lost? Or were there more nefarious reasons underlying their lostness? And if it was a case of Ninja, why on earth did they make it out alive? Did you see the one woman’s terrified look? It was almost as if what she really wanted to say was just too horrifying to say, as if she was under duress and couldn’t reveal the whole truth for fear of instant and I mean instant reprisal! It’s quite possible this is all just a big warning…they are out there and they are dangerous. People beware!

If you’re going hiking, make sure you have done some of the Ninja sighting practice on this website. Consider if Ninja were using shark suits for beach attacks, what animal would they be tempted to dress up like in the forest?

Probably not an animal that only walks on all fours since that would be tough to do for any length of time.  So that means squirrels, rabbits, wolves are out, deer too.  More than likely that leaves you with a bear! Yes, they also walk on all fours, but bears also will walk solely on their hind feet as well. If you see any bear while hiking and they are acting suspicious such as walking a little too much on their hindfeet or if they are by chance wearing a Ninja mask, or if they are holding a sword in their hand then you probably ought to run like the dickens cause they’re most likely not a bear and will want to shut you up for discovering their evil trickery!

Also, be careful of park rangers who seem a little too eager for you to leave the trails and try real hiking or give you really yummy tempting trail snacks laced with some sort of hallucinogen or sleep inducer so they can lead you astray and then wait for you to walk into their sneaky trap, lost, disoriented and easy pickings for a Ninja star to the head!

Boy scouts too! Ninja are recruiting young these days. If any boy scout troop passes you on a trail, you might just ask which troop they’re with, what’s the hardest badge they ever had to earn, or what’s their favorite girl scout cookie–or girl scout, etc. If they give a long Ninja-like pause as if they’re meditating the answer, one way you can tell is if they take off their shirt and then douse themselves in a waterfall while doing these clever hand signals, you can be they’re trying to get the answer spiritually and then you know they are agents of death and mayhem and you need to haul out of there faster than what you’ll probably be able to do since Ninja are by far faster and sneakier than you are.

Oh, and one last hint about catching Ninja in bear suits, just look on the trail and see if you see any bear claws if you do, look at their poop. Is it bear poop or human poop, believe me, they smell and look very different and shouldn’t be too hard to differentiate–besides you should know what human poop smells like–any human is an expert in identifying and smelling his own poop.  Believe me, we all act like it’s so disgusting when we see other people’s poop, but we all know it because we’ve seen and smelled our own!  So stop acting like a pansy and identify it–cause bear poop will definitely not smell like a humans!  But care should be taken.  Some Ninja know that if there are bear claws then there should be bear poop, they may be using special equipment usually found with PlayDough kits for kids that allow them to mold their poop into other shapes and sizes thus fooling those who would never stop and smell poop for a second opinion.  The only way you’re going to know if it’s Ninja or bear poop is put your nose down there and check!  Eyesight alone will not save you this time.

Plus, you should be able to tell if it’s Ninja ’cause they’ll be using STEALTH Toilet Paper, of course you may have some difficulty finding their poop if they’re using STEALTH TP, but chances are if there are bear claws and either no poop or human poop or bear-looking poop that still smells like human poop, then you know they’re really not bears, but Ninjas on the prowl.

If you’re going swimming please refer to the Ninja Conspiracy post about what to do if Ninja in shark suits attack you.

Lastly, if you’re a Ninja, beware, the public is on to you and it’s only a matter of time before your unseeness may be compromised!

STEALTH Roll

Another Ninja Conspiracy

Soon after my post, “Ninja in the Media: Disinformation“, the story went global! Remember when I mentioned about the possibility that the recent shark attack in San Diego may have actually been Ninja related? It’s widely known in Ninja circles that certain evil Ninja have devised a shark suit that allows them to remain underwater and to assassinate their target while they are happily enjoying their time at the beach. All the while, the unsuspecting public thinks the rise in shark attacks is due to hungry sharks or global warming or something…ha! If only they knew…

Well, I can tell you now, Beware of Ninja has the proof.

The First hint, that the wider public was catching on was recently caught on film in Hawaii.

Do you see how close this man is to these sharks? Is he really as brave as it would seem? Why on earth would he stay in the water while these sharks were so close?

It’s because at close range, any idiot can tell a true shark from a shark suit, and these pictures my friends are not of sharks, but of Ninjas training in Hawaii in their shark suits in broad daylight. These Ninja became too overconfident in their tools of stealth. Their belief in a mindless public, oblivious to all things Ninja, led them to make a terrible miscalculation.

How do I know that this is the case you may be wondering? One of the people wading in the water was able to snap a shot of one of the sharks at close range. This is what they caught on camera before they were suspiciously “disappeared” from the beach. Everyone at the beach assumes a “shark” got him, but luckily, his camera turned up next to his towel and now the truth is public:

Not sure if you can see the sneaky assassin, with an untrained eye you might think this was a shark readying for an attack, well you’d be right about it attacking, but it’s no shark, it’s a Ninja in a shark suit. After this sighting went public, signs at the beach went up every where.

And if that was not enough proof of the growing threat of Ninjas in shark suits, one must also consider a recent map of all the latest shark attacks.

Lastly, if you connect all the dots, which we did, you get an astonishing discovery:

After connecting the dots I realized the gravity of the situation.  This is the Ninja symbol!  These Ninja are telecasting to the world their nefarious plans.  It is no longer safe to enter the water. Sharks are one thing, but Ninjas in the guise of a shark is an entirely different matter. The best thing you can do if you believe you’ve been targeted by one of these shark Ninjas is actually to cut yourself and bleed into the water.

These shark Ninjas may think they’re clever and have trapped you in their net of subterfuge, but before they know it, they will be surrounded by a number of real sharks, hungry for more thanks to your cut that’s bleeding in the water. Of course, you still need to get away from the real sharks and the Ninjas in shark suits, but now you’ve turned the advantage to the real sharks, they could get a number of free meals, hopefully the shark Ninjas first while you make your escape.

BTW, be on the lookout at all swimming pools, lakes, and other recreational bodies of water. It won’t be long till there are shark attacks in freshwater and in enclosed bodies of water. Then hopefully, everyone will know this couldn’t possibly be a real shark. Then they will have to consider the impossible, could this be the work of Ninja?

Spy Shinobi Sunglasses

In a recent poll, many Ninja said that they love their job, have no complaints save one. Why can’t they look cool as they do their work? Yes, they are the Unseen so who cares what they look like. However, don’t underestimate the sense of vanity that yes, even the most crafty of assassins may struggle with.

Spy Sunglasses has decided to go where no sunglass company has gone before. Spy Shinobi.

Now Ninja assassins worldwide can step into the night with a new sense of confidence while still scaring the living pee out of their enemy with these ultra high density titanium plated black shades of cool and stealth.

This hybrid of function and fashion goes far beyond any Ninja’s wildest dreams (Ninjas never sleep, they dream awake). From the secret science labs of top Ninja assassin scientist Ninjas comes a creation they weren’t sure they should unleash upon the world. These shades are fitted with night vision technology no government on earth has seen or heard of.

One theory I have because Ninja are suppose to be unseen is that whoever has been filming these 80’s NInja films may have been using a prototype version over their camera lens. Thus, all Ninja in cloaked in the blackest of night, appeared to be roaming around stealth-like in broad daylight.

Secondly, these glasses come equipped with a panic button in case of surprise attack (as if any REAL Ninja could be surprised by such a thing). When the panic button is pressed, the center core of the sunglasses begins to burn the brightest red you’ve ever seen, thus giving the Ninja the appearance of bright, evil, shining eyes flaring red with anger and certain death striking fright in their opponent, leading to among other things, uncontrollable shaking, daymares, nightmares, loss of breath, loss of consciousness, and lastly cardiac arrest.

Lastly, these shades from hell, have no reflection, they actually swallow reflection. These Ninja scientists have been spying on the latest Stealth technology and implementing it into their sunglasses. Thus, sometimes it may appear to a Ninja’s next victim as if the Ninja had no eyes, just a blank shadow of certain demise. Of course that’s unless the panic button is pressed and we’ve already covered how scary that can be.

Warning: May cause hair loss, headaches, large tumors the size of jelly beans all the way to grapefruit, temporary blindness when the panic button is pressed (although any good Ninja knows how to fight with a blindfold so no biggie), sudden death , and/or a hyper sense of coolness that could lead to loss of attentiveness to the mission and more fixation upon one’s own reflection. Oh, and sometimes it can create gastrointestinal pain, disfunction, and increasing loss of muscle tension in the lower bowel regions, care should be taken not to use on a full stomach. A spare NInja suit should also be kept in tow for serious emergencies if you have neglected to follow the previous instructions.

(Coming soon, Stealth Toilet Paper, needed most of the time when using Spy Shinobi Sunglasses)

Becoming The Unseen: How To Survive The Impossible

People these days are so lazy. They seem to think that all you have to do to become a Ninja is put on a Ninja suit and chuck a few stars at a tree and you’re in. Just like that!

Well, I’ll tell you one thing for sure, those are the kind of Ninja showing up in Hollywood movies, but they’re the ones dying such pitiful deaths!

Becoming the Unseen is beyond explanation. Training? Training implies a beginning and an end. Once you finish you’re done, but that’s just not the case. Becoming the Unseen is a way of life, not some sort of weekend holiday where Ninja go to test their skills of survival and stealth where only the best survive. Hah! Again, look how Hollywood has manipulated our minds into thinking such fanciful thoughts!

True training involves being put up against impossible odds and surviving to kill another day. Some Ninja are forced to wear white and try their skills of stealth in spite of their high visibility. Fortunately, some of the bad evil nasty ninjas also have to wear bright colors like red. Lucky they’re just about blind due to a poor wrap of cloth around their eyes or this White Ninja would be dead with a star to the head! It’s also possible the tree he’s hiding behind is a little thicker than meets the eyes, again, NInja master everything including the thickness of tree branches, who can stand in their path?

Meditation is another key. Rehearsal, rehearsal, rehearsal. Basketball or Piano lessons are the same way. You only get good by rehearsing over and over and over what you will do. That’s how it is ALL the time for Ninja. While they’re eating their steak and eggs or Wheaties, they may look like they’re enjoying the newspaper or the game on tv, but that’s only a small reminder of their trickery! They are in fact remembering, rehearsing, and re-rehearsing, then re-rehearsing the re-rehearsal. They never stop rehearsing.

If he stabs me here, I’ll stab him there. If 8′ are between me and another Ninja and the sun is at midday, with a slight wind from the south, plus I’m 6′3” and my opponent is short, stocky, and quite fat at 5′4”, I should cross left by right with a circular pattern heading in a South by South East direction in order to creep up my evil foe, throw a pebble at his foot, make him turn around to discover his eyes are in the sun before that’s the last thing he sees as he tastes the vengeance of the Master Ninja! All you might see as you watch him from a distance is a slight grin as he finishes his Wheaties and finishes his imagined foe.

Sometimes during meditation, real Ninja show up because they think that during your meditation you might be more vulnerable, but oh do those stupid Ninjas not know a thing or two about meditation. Ninja are at their most heightened preparedness, sensing all that is and isn’t, plus knowing when to strike, when to hide, and when to release a slight bit of built up gas due to the cheeseburger they stole from a vendor in the park during their training…even this release can be used to distract, to incapacitate, and possibly even poison if it was a bad enough burger and if the Ninja has wisely been storing up his gaseous chemical poisons in his body to release upon the enemy during just such a surprise encounter.

Training also involves very difficult processes, the ability to withstand enormous pressure, terrible weather, waterlogged Ninja stockings, slicing of watermelon ninja dummies, and always, always blindfolds…it makes me wonder how on earth do these agents of death even bother with mankind!

Who can imagine how cold it must be in this waterfall, and yet the Master Ninja is calm, at peace with his surroundings, even doing really cool signs with his hands in utter abandon to the way of the Unseen (though seen in this picture).

Veggies and fruits have rights too! I am appalled at the lack of concern for fruit and vegetables that these Ninja seem to show. Sure, they kill off humans with surprising speed and efficiency, but watermelon! C’mon, isn’t that a bit low? I wonder what kind of pain this fruit is experiencing, the slow death of an arrow to the eye…er melon. This dummy got shot right in the melon I tell you! Just think if that was a human. This fellow wouldn’t make it too long with an arrow in his eye, this Ninja master has truly sharpened his skills of archery and carving fruit to look like human beings…truly we must fear these agents of fruit death.

Probably the most harrowing of all training involves jumping into a pit full of spikes and hoping against all hope that your symbol of masculinity survives. This Ninja was nearly skewered like a kabob!

I hope I’ve given you a small picture of the dangers, pitfalls, and utter grotesque conditions that Ninja must endure to become and then be the Unseen. So, the next time you think how fun it would be to wear a Ninja outfit to work or to the local mall, you may want to consider who you represent, do you really want to minimize the sacrifice, hard work, and utter depraved testing that true Ninja that you know nothing about have to go through? Well, I hope you think twice. Besides, you’d only be doing the real Ninja a favor by convincing the public of a Ninja’s complete incompetence and inability to be the Unseen while the true Ninja continue their legacy of death and mayhem.

BTW, those hikers on Mt. Ranier, yeah, you can keep believing they got lost during a blizzard. But I know. That’s the one time a white Ninja outfit would come in handy up there. Blizzard. That’s exactly what they want you to think…the Unseen are Blizzard.

Ninjas hydrate with DragonBak®

Ninja Stealth- A series of tactical movements carried out by a ninja to surprise his victim and then kill them.

When a ninja is in “stealth” mode it can be very taxing on not only the body but the mind as well. Have you ever wondered what a fully dressed ninja looks like after an evening of tracking, hiding and killing?

The maker of Camelbak® knows what a ninja looks like after a long days work. Here is his story, “I came home one evening tired and exausted from a long days only work to find a large mass hidden under the blankets on my bed. All sounds became magnified as my heart pounded like a drum, I quietly crept over to the bed and noticed that whatever was underneath my blankets was dripping wet and was breathing quite heavily. I gathered the courage to swiftly pull the blanket off and was shocked at what I saw! A ninja curled up in a ball who was suffering the effects of dehydration. He looked at me through the little slit in his mask and in a muffled voice said, “Water…I need water” I instantly had the idea for my new creation….the DragonBak®!”

The DragonBak® comes in one “Ninja” size. It can attach either onto the upper back or on the upper chest. It comes with a transparent non-shine tube which is hidden under the mask. When a ninja is anxiously awaiting his next victim and feels thirsty he simply sucks our non-shine patented tube which is fixed in his mouth.

The DragonBak® contains up to 8oz. of water and should not be ingested on an empty stomach. Subjects who are kicked or punched in the DragonBak® while ingesting may experience a sudden burst of water which may cause choking or even drowning. Warning: May cause diziness, diarreah, shortness of breath, tooth decay and confusion. Do not use if you’re taking nitrates for chest pain.

Black Vs. White Ninja: The Seen and Unseen

In this post, we will examine the strategic essence of the Ninja uniform. We will consider questions such as what color of a uniform to wear and when if ever, should a Ninja wear a white or red ninja outfit and under what circumstances? These questions will be examined with the basic premise that Ninja are the unseen and if seen are yet still unseen. But if any Ninja is seen then they could not possibly be a true Ninja…except of course in 80’s ninja films which we will look at in extreme mockery and much laughter.

We will consider these questions as we practice and master the art of Ninja spotting. If you will look at this first picture. Concentrate and when you are ready look below and seek out the NInja who are there if you dare.

Not sure huh? A little too tough on the eyes…yes, you must take care not to strain oneself in the beginning stages, many a neophyte Ninja spotter has died just from concentrating too strongly and for too long a time, for the Master of silence and stealth are devious in their unseeness–they seek to confuse, confound, and if possible contort the minds of those seeking to expose them in their subterfuge.

I know one of the tough things about Ninja spotting is your mind begins to see things. A common vision or illusion is the sight of two figures about 40 or 50 feet apart from one another running next to a lake…but those couldn’t be Ninja right? Ninja are the epitome of stealth and surprise, maybe they’re a mind-generated holographic image sent by the nastiest of Ninjas or possibly puppet-like play dummies with moving parts that look like real humans until you shoot them with an arrow or stick them with a throwing star, then their true shape comes into form and they are seen for what they really are–cheap imitation Ninja dummies stuffed with straw, hay, grass, maybe even a little weed to cause extra hallucinations if you tried to burn it, and all the while the real ninja are running nearby in the bushes, laughing at their puppetry and their mindless audience who buys this trickery of tricks hook line and sinker.

However, that’s only what these master Ninjas wanted you to think. Ha! That’s exactly what they were planning all along. They are practicing the art of being unseen, while yet being seen, however, because of their Ninja mastery and trickery, they are truly unseen though seen. How do I know they are masters? I know because they know that you know in advance that that is exactly what you would know and expect from NInjas, to use play-dummies and instead hide in the bushes, yet in their nefarious plan your ninja spotting attempts were foiled!

To help you overcome the Ninja mind trick, we’ve circled the black ninja with a black circle and we’ve circled the white ninja with a white circle. This is also for color coding their clothes to the circle and to make sure you hadn’t seen the white ninja where the black one was. Nor the black ninja where the white one was.

Sometimes when under the influence of a combination of weed from trying to burn the play dummies with the hay, straw and weed stuffed inside one may begin to hallucinate, that and the fact that these Ninja are really bad and may be playing tricks with your color coding mind abilities, even messing with your brain’s ability to differntiate colors. One of the reasons they do this is in a war, what if they could trick you to kill the Ninja that are fighting on your side? If they could get their enemy to kill their enemy, then they wouldn’t even have to fight…truly this is the art of fighting without fighting–confusing Ninja’s color codedness so that they assassinate their own clan. What an evil Ninja trick to do.

One must take extreme caution against the Ninja mind games that they play! One way of knowing they are doing this, is try looking at a Ninja clad in black, does he look white? If he does, then you know they’ve done it again. The only way to combat this is to close your eyes and blindfold yourself and then fight by Ninja intuition. Most true Ninja will have no problem performing this feat, although usually they do this only in movies and in training, what idiot would in a battle under normal circumstances blindfold himself? Only the most daring and masterful of Ninja assassins would attempt this without needing to do so. So beware!

Great, now try and locate a red Ninja who is sneaking up on the white one. Any ideas where he might possibly be?

Yes, this one also is very tough. Unfortunately the white ninja seems to not be paying attention to the great big reddish shadow he is casting upon the tree…you might think he’s quite an idiot for not being more careful in his shadow casting…doesn’t he know that shadows on trees can be seen for miles…doesn’t he know he’s completely visible now with this big shadow above him (not to mention the fact that he’s wearing complete white in a forest of green and dark shadows), it’s possible he was a little too preoccupied trying to get away from the nasty Ninja who were chasing him through the forest, even though they were all wearing red–a beacon for all true Master Ninjas of an easy find and thus easy kill!

Ha! That wasn’t the white Ninja’s shadow, that was merely the red Ninja doing the only thing possible that he could do with such a bright idiotic and quite flashy and fashionable Ninja outfit. He thought he could trick the White Ninja into believing that his shadow was behind him on the tree, but this red Ninja wasn’t thinking with a full melon, he should have considered the height of the tree and the height of the ninja plus the position of the sun and the direction of the wind. There is an intricate Ninja mathematical equation that is needed in order to perform this level of trickery, casting a false shadow in order to trick an opponent into thinking its really his own shadow. Sneaky, nasty Ninja! Yet that is why I circled him in green for his noviceness is evident by his inability to calculate such simple Ninja mathematics of shadow casting.

Although to all of you it seemed like the White Ninja’s shadow on the tree, the White Ninja is a master at Ninja mathematical equations at determining the true shadow and in no time flat he knew that the red shadow behind him just couldn’t possibly be his own.

However, the White Ninja shows no signs of this realization, but rather waits in cool and calm for the Red Ninja…er…wannabe Ninja to strike. And, making it even more obvious that this red Ninja needs to stop trying and start dying, he jumps out of the tree with a battle cry, flips in the air, and lands to meet his sudden and very unsurprising end at the hands of the White Ninja. What a waste of Ninja training–not sure what the deal was with the battle cry and all the flipping! Maybe he thought he could show his incredible Ninja abilities of flipping in mid-air (although I’ve never seen a Ninja not do this–it’s unfortunate that such an amazing stunt for the normal human being has been reduced to nothing but eye candy to those trained in the ways of Ninja) secondly, the battle cry may have been an attempt to make the White Ninja pee in his pants in fright, thus making him even more spot-able in the forest. Just think if you had to spot a White Ninja with big yellow stains running down the front, don’t you think it would be easier too? Of course, no one asked an even more fundamental question, how in the world does the White Ninja think he’s not visible either… In fact, let’s do one more training exercise where he is the main focus.

Let’s see if you can spot the White Ninja in this office photo?

Wow! He’s just too good. I think in this case, he did choose the right color, I mean, where is he? I mean, I guess our only assumption is that he must be blending in with either the elevator or the white wall. What mastery over his environment! How did he know he’d have such natural camoflauge in an office building?

Ninja truly are prepared for everything and all circumstances. BTW, he even used the elevator in this scene. Most Ninja would have either done some amazing flips and landed above or scaled the walls with their spiked gloves on, but this guy knows how to conserve his energy for the big scuffle ahead. Only a grand master, completely comfortable in his skills of Ninjutsu would leisurely take an elevator knowing that he has nothing to prove, his skills of death will prove themselves, they are the epitome of proof without needing proof, so much proof that riding an elevator shows his wild and unquestioning ability to flaunt without his prowess and fearless abandon without any effort whatsoever. He is truly the most dangerous and cunning.

Well, to help you out in spotting this White fairy-like creature of death and mayhem, I’ve highlighted him in white because he is White, meaning he’s wearing white and he’s Caucasian. Nice combo eh? I’m sure the writers and producers meant nothing by this association…or did they? BTW, he’s so smug, he even has the audacity to be winking at you, knowing you can’t see the unseen. What clever poise and yet mocking amusement as he gives you a wink and a nod before he heads to his battle against the forces of evil. He makes you smile and like him, before he kills you in the head with a throwing star! Don’t trust even a white ninja…!

Honestly, here I have to say one more thing. Although in this photo it’s obvious he’s chosen a good place for cover, what if someone comes out of their office and sees him? Aren’t they going to know he’s a Ninja–him in this white uniform, white mask and all these white swords and a bow and arrows? I don’t think they’re going to not see him then are they? Wouldn’t it even be better to not wear the Ninja uniform and instead dress like an office worker or a custodian or even an over-sized rodent might be better…

BTW, doesn’t it astound you the level of detail to this Ninja’s whiteness–I mean white sword handles, white scabbards, a white bow and arrow…what scrutiny to details, what finesse in considering all possible equipment, what color coded anality that smacks of…anality…and brilliance. Who would not mess in their pants at seeing this agent of death?

Oops…this would be one of those examples of getting caught without a good explanation…what if he had been dressed as a mailman or an office temp or even a pizza delivery boy or back to what I originally had said about the element of surprise. What if he had painted a clown face under his hood and as soon as he was spotted he quickly took off his mask and started dancing around the office like a clown. Don’t you think he could have thrown the woman off her balance and at least she wouldn’t be sure if a Ninja was in the office. I mean, he looks like a Ninja from the shoulders down, but what agent of assassination would look like a clown. I think it would buy him just enough time to smoke bomb her back into her office and him on to the rest of the mission. Dumb Ninja!